Funny New Years Resolutions

Here are some resolutions that I have heard from some people, or found on the Internet, in the past few days that put a smile on my face!


I will think of a password other than "password" or "hello".

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!

I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven't cleaned it more than once in the last year.

I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.

Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.

Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.

Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

I will drink less beer, last year I drank enough beer to have kept the Titanic afloat.

I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.

I will no longer interfere in a game.

I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I resolve not to see any serial or movie in which any dead character is brought alive.

I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.

Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).

So what is your new years resolution? ;)